Presence – freewriting

Is there anybody out there?
Are you here?

You may think your here, now
But you are being torn apart
Pieces of you are lost in the past
Preventing you from being present
When you were born, you were perfect, present and wholly involved in the Now
As we experience and express ourselves as a unique individual we transition through developmental stages
We can see these in terms of chakras and energy
psychological stages
numerical ages
Yet we do not progress through these stages perfectly
The beauty of being human is to be perfectly imperfect
When we experience trauma, disorder, disease, or any ill fate we may also have a stunting or delaying in an area of development
For example,
Perhaps our first 12 months of being human were ungrounded, and we were born in war-torn Syria. The first year of our life is important in our development of our roots, our sense of safety, security, and grounding to our earth, our tribe, and community.
The next stage according to the chakras is 6 months to 2 years, and athey re crucial to developing healthy relationships. If we experience developmental issues in these critical years it can later affect our creativity and our ability to have a healthy relationship with sexuality.
The chakra system is no light read, unless you skim it
It’s an inclusive system which incorporates physiological organs and body structures, colours, yoga poses for balancing, herbs, meridian point correlates, and is a powerful tool for working on and balancing your human energy system and creating growth in all areas of your Being

Then there is the shamanic idea of soul loss and retrieval
Lend me your ears and listen to this story in your mind’s eye
It was late, later than young Mary and Todd were use to staying up. But their father went out for a drink and had left them alone, again. He was in the habit of having a few too many beers and leaving them home alone on the weekend. They are both nearly 10 years old and they are coming quite accustom to managing on their own. Yet tonight felt different
They began to shiver minutes before their father came home
Piss drunk
His wretched breath stunk of beer and vomit
His greying beard was evident of his bodies accelerated aging due to a poorly led life
Turning his gaze to Todd his words were flames and he ordered him to bed.

Grabbing and forcing Todd into his room with his hairy arms
As his large paw clawed at Todd’s arm he left red flesh from his firm grasp
next his evil was turned towards Mary, which he took to his room
Where he proceeded to touch her soft arms
her screams could be heard across the house
Todd ran in to attack his dad and save his sister
but a mere smack put Todd unconscious
Mary was no push over, she kicked and screamed and bit
but she was unable to avail her fat father and his drunken sexual desire
He took his slimy tongue and had his sick serpent way with her
Both Todd and Mary grew up, moved away, and continued life
Yet a piece of Mary was left behind that night, a piece of her soul was lost.
Mary smiles, but not with a whole and open heart
She loves, but not wholly
She can’t open her heart, for she is scared to be vulnerable
She is scared to express her personal power
She is unable to have a healthy sexual relationships
She is fearful
Mary is not broken
She is beautiful
Mary sought healing for years, trying psychotherapy, meditation, yoga, journaling and countless other treatments before taking a trip down to Peru to work with the visionary plant Ayahuasca and a master shaman or traditional healer
In a dark ceremonial building the shaman, her, and 6 other people and 2 facilitators

she consumed the healing brew, ayahuasca and within the hour she started to experience an altered state of consciousness
Her visions brought her back, back to the night she was raped
trembling and shaking she felt a warm light opening at the root of her spine
she could feel the shamans voice penetrating deep into her bones
Her cellular memory of the event released and in a moment she saw her fathers face
It made her purge, sick, black, vomit
her back hunched and great waves of energy moved through her
she became a vessel of a great wind, and she started to scream
her cries were broken by fits of sobbing
the facilitators gathered near, lending their energy and letting her knew she is safe
One facilitator placed a hand on her and she began to calm
She saw her fathers face flash once more, and she began to cry
Just then a wave a green light came crowning down and consumed her
She felt a brilliant white flower blossom in her heart center and she felt love for her father
In that moment she felt forgiveness for him
She felt unconditional love for the first time since she was a baby, before her mom had passed
The feeling faded after that night, but not completely. Mary got a glimpse
Mary felt what forgiveness feels like
She knew what she needed to do
ayahuasca is not a magical cure, but it can show you the way
It would take years before Mary was ready to let go
but when she did, she opened herself up to new love
new light
Her story, her strength
was a gift
She went on to help her brother heal from an addiction he had developed from his traumatic childhood
She went on to find love, not just in a man, but in all her relationships
She became a leader, a healer, and a mother
Mary was never broken, not during her childhood, or any point during her struggle
she had just lost a piece of herself
its like when we are a kid and we play hide and seek
we like to get lost, so we can find ourselves again
that’s what being human is about
Your struggles are blessings
they are there for you to overcome
I thank life for my depression
I once wound up in a psychiatric ward after attempting suicide
I’ve been hurting most my life
I abused steroids to make myself strong, but no matter how physical powerful I became I was still weak
Still running
Using women
using drugs
selling drugs
I lived in darkness so I could discover the light
I have the scars on my body, and the tattoos that tell my story
I’ve ventured deep into the darkness of my own shadow

I shone a light into my blackest night
the sun rose, and a new day dawned
When we heal our past we free ourselves
no longer are we fragmented
When we heal ourselves we can become fully present, no longer in the prison of the past
When we trust the universe we no longer need to fear the future, and thus we give up anxiety
then we give up fear
when we surrender our fear of death, all other fears fade and we can be present
When we are truly present, we see the here and now
We see truth
we can see others more clearly than they can see themselves
we see the patterns they are playing out, and we know how we can heal them
Most people live in moments
they come alive only during parts of their day
the rest they spend unconsciously acting our patterns
habitual tendencies
routine compulsions
cycles of desire
old desires transforming into new desires, but always chasing
when we are awake, we are conscious of every moment of our lives

free of conditioning
truly living
connected to:

the body

the breath
the emotions
the mind
and the spirit
not divided
not stuck in the head -always talking to oneself

true presense of the here and now
this kind of presence lends itself into extraordinary feats
healing abilities
intuitive abilities
mind-body control
learning is accelerated
dreams manifest themselves
is there anybody there?
where are you at?
What emotions from your past are keeping you from being present?
How far do you stray from your breathe?
Can you be conscious of your breath all day? Or is your mind pulling you endlessly away from the pain of the present you are running from

why the pain?

why the addiction?

freedom and the present
When you were a child you were free
you still are
but you don’t act it
over time you developed rigid patterns of behaviour
you once danced and moved your body in every which way
now, most people walk in straight lines and lift weights in one plane
yet you are free to dance, and spin, rotate your arms in 3-dimensions
you once sang, without care and full of joy
singing is the path to joy
now you speak on a limited register
your tongue no longer dances
yet you are free to sing and learn to make beautiful music that can heal
most people act out a role
they have a personality that is rigid
through your identification and the occupational mask you wear you have limited your freedom
you can be and act freely
a truly free individual loves to be with themselves, because they surprise themselves
I’ve spent weeks alone and I never get lonely
I am the combination of every one I have ever met
When you become truly free and unguarded spontaneous creativity flows through you and you become a witness to the joy of being
I laugh at my own jokes because they do not come from me
I love to read my writing because it does not come from me
When I speak I don’t think about what I’m going to say, I become silent, and out of that silence there are words
they do not come from me

Its a process of getting out of your own way
be free
Free to dance, to sing, to express yourself without judgement
no self
You can go your entire life without ever-living a single moment
or perhaps living only in fragments
in heightened moments
You’ll realize this at some point
for most people its right before they die
or on their deathbed
a beautiful life is one that is lived
perfectly imperfect
lessons from zen
time is an illusion
life is not made of words
no words can ever describe life
there is no true progress
goals are great, but there is no progress
everything is always in balance
good and evil are one
there is no separate self
meaning, YOU cannot do anything
good or bad
no need to weigh the good things you do against the bad
free yourself of this religious conditioning
sometimes all we are doing by trying to do what is right based on what we read, or heard, or think, or are influenced by, teaches us to do it because we have to
its like loving someone because we have to
never do things because you think you have to
when we get out of our own way, we do what should be done but it comes from within
not because we have to, because out of the silence of self we act in accordance with the dao
this is enlightenment
when we stop pursuing
when we stop trying to do it ourselves
give up all notions and right and wrong, of self and other
let go
and everything falls into place
when you let go you allow things to fall into place
the more you try
the more you resist the way of things, the more out of alignment you are with the tao
when you truly give up trying, you can become present
you can live fully
you can be here, now

beyond good and evil

beyond the self

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