There was an expectation of love
The reality isss pain
Harboured hurt
For two daysss
I sat silence
Sitting with my sadnessss
it began to bubble and rissse
Like a coiled snake slithering from up the spine
I simply surrendered to the floor, to the fetal, and left myself open for all the pain to leave my body
It felt as though 27 yearsss of holding to the pain of birth and every suffering since was precipitating into a single stinging tear drop
The room is dark and I cannot see, but I know the tear drop is as black as a closed coffin
I can feel it burn as it slithers down my face
I’m trembling, convulsing, and my breath is leaving my body
With every inhale I’m struggling to hold onto my life as my body begins to harden and my muscles become rigid
My tongue extrudes beyond the borders of my mouth and a harsh air releases from my lungsss
This is the voice of death
The wretched exhale the dying make as they release their last breath
The sound of their life force leaving the body
The same exhale my grandpa made as he passed into the land of the dead
The same guttural voice that comes from the depths that dragons, demons, and underworldly creatures connect with when they speak from the realms of darknesss
This exhale come from the deepest parts of the lungs,
It comes from the roots of our being which reach down into Hell
———-
I’m dying
My body begins to sweat, a feeble attempt to regulate itself
I begin to tremble and vibrate
Another attempt for my body to harmonize and regulate
I’m struggling for air
Until
I surrender and let go
I allow the process to unfold
If death is near then I welcome her with an open heart
as I surrender my struggle stops and my body goes flaccid
no breath, no body, everything goes black
I witness my body sink into the earth and as I watch from above I remain unattached
There is a sense of calm, the kind of stillness that can only be found after days of meditating in the forest or cave
A realm of peace and harmony
Then in an instant I’m torn atom by atom in 12 directions through 12 dimensions
I’m shattered, the feeling is ineffable and all that comes after is beyond comprehension
Reality begins to unfold at lightspeed
there are rising and falling civilizations entering my Being
Flashes of sacred texts in language I’ve never encountered flash before me
Hieroglyphs, sacred art, sacred structures, sacred geometry
I see my parents growing old and I witness their death
There is immeasurable sadness with no body to express it, it is a realm of pure suffering
A voice speaks from nowhere in a language I’ve never heard, yet I translate their words to mean “you are dead”
Upon hearing this it comes to my attention that there is still breath
No body, but breath
not my breath, but breath
I witness this breath, as one witnesses their breath in deep meditation, not as a breather, but as a witness to a process that happens of itself
I merge with this breath and realize it is made of light
I feel the elements seethe from my body, and my memories begin to dissolve
The earth and metal of my being burn, only to be washed away by water, and the remaining pieces blown into the winds
There is sadness that slithers from hell to heaven, and when it reaches the golden palace of light in the clouds the sadness turns to nothing – no thing – void – shunyata
I oscillate between my separate personal memories, and then into the One Breath of all Being, and with every oscillation I free up a piece of my personal history and offer it the One Breath
This process peels layers of me and my relations and purifies them
But the process fails to complete
I begin to descend down the tail of the snake and back into my senses, but beyond my body
A voice speaks again, and I can’t make sense of the words
Its vibration is unharmonious and it appears to be questioning me
I am trying to speak, but I have no words and no way of understanding
A state of confusion falls like a dense dark fog and fear raptures the ether and air
In a blink of an eye, I open my eyes and I’m back in my home on the floor
I look to my body, and it is green, scaled, and disfigured
Fear creeps through my veins and touches my sacred places
My fingers are elongated like alien hands and I’m witnessing ten-thousand nightmares in every cell
I cry
I collapse to the floor and shiver in the fetal
I cry and cry till I close my eyes find in myself the saddest parts of me own Being
Not only do I encounter all the pain of my personal history, but I see the suffering of many of my relationships lying in the depths of my Being
There is sadness that pours through me, each tear is a holographic memory of a life of suffering of a human being, and as it falls down my cheek their story plays before my soul
Then there is a key
an ancient key that is shaped like the Egyptian ankh, the cross-like symbol of eternal life
The key shines with gold and washes away and clears my light body
My organs compress and release their respective emotions
I feel lighter
I feel my light body vibrate
One last tear begins to form on the medial aspect of my eye
it’s the holograph of my own life and suffering
I witness it rise to life
I watch it fall like the rain
Then I witness it contact the earth and pop like a soap bubble
ssssssss
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