Near Death Experience

Hiking alone
Wild and free
Too many problems in the city, too much heartbreak at home
Travelling to the top, I took the trail
The way down, I carved my own
Sliding down sheets of ice, fuck walking, I’ll be ride this mountain
Flying down the hill in my Nike’s and my shorts
I’m all giggles

Till the end of the ice comes into view
And all that remains is a cliff to fall to my death
Turning around and slamming my body down
I scrape my bear bones and claws into the ice
I’m slowing down, but the edge is near
I stop in time, but I’m trembling in fear

What I thought was a short cut down the hill turns out to be a dead end
I try and scale the mountain up, but it’s a sheet of ice, it’s a one way street
No one even knows I’m on this hill
Do I scream and shout?
I’m not ready to die

I move laterally in hopes to find a way down
The hill is steep and can’t quit grip
I slip
I fall further down, before clinging on
I’m supressing emotion and decreasing my motion
Yet images are floating in my mind
It’s not my life that is flashing before my eye’s, it’s the felt presence of the people I love there with me now
My will to live, is my will to love
I gather myself, and my angels show me the way
Down I scale the side of the cliff, clinging to trees and branches
With any misstep I could be dead, each moment is lived fully
What could have been a 2 hour hike down the mountain, took 6 hours, and without any water or supplies
Meeting a passing river at the bottom was a greater gift then I’d ever been given

You’d think I’d learn
But I near drove my dad’s truck off a cliff months later
It took multiple trucks to pull his truck from falling over the mountain it teetered upon with me in it
And yet my life went on
I hung myself once, till I blacked out
Left my body
Got swept up in the ocean
I saved myself that time
Nearly caused my best friend to have a heart attack as she watched me struggle

I once wound up in the hospital in my early teens hallucinating for days
I once wound up bound up staying in the hospital for 2 months
I wound up in the police station a dozen times
I wound up in the wrong neighbourhood at the wrong time in Peru

One near death experience I left my body
I dissolved into light
I was torn atom from atom
I witnessed my parents age and die
I looked down upon my body, as my heart had stopped
Yet I was not sad
I was at peace
I went many places in the realms of light
And then I was sent back

2 years have passed and everything in my life has changed
It took 2 years to fully comprehend what had happened
When I almost died and came back, my mind repressed the memories of my own death
I would break down and cry every time I tried to think of what had happened

The last thing I remember is hearing, “this is what you always wanted, isn’t it?”
Yes it is
This is my dream
I am humbled to live it each day
The death of everything that I am is always coming
My time is always ticking
And when it comes, I will be calm and I will let go with ease and grace

The in-breath is effort, it brings in oxygen and life
The exhale falls away with ease and grace and releases all that is not needed
Breathing in with a smile
Breathing out to release

Breathing in peace
Breathing out peace
Until my last breath, I am in peace, for I have gone beyond and there is nothing to fear
I live a simple life, yet in an extraordinary way
I live beyond my body, watching over myself, as if from above
Simply observing, myself and others
Here for awhile, to love and smile
To live fully, and wholly
I am the watcher
I am the observer
I am Being
I am already dead
This life cannot take anything from me, for I have nothing
I am nothing
All shall be returned, from whence it came
I have no name
I am no body