I’m almost at my fucking limit !
every time I make a goddam plan and
I set out a course for the future of the way I want it to be
life gets in the way!!
can you believe it!?
covid is a classic example
I had it all worked out this time !!
every detail was perfectly placed
I had my vision planned to meet my every desire
classic life, always ruining my vision
It’s gotten to the point where
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m even in control!?
it’s as though the universe does not revolve around me
it’s as though all of creation, from the winged one’s to the flying one’s to the billions of people do not arise each day and do their best to make sure all my personal unmet needs and desires are fulfilled in that day
some days I feel like the future is forever uncertain
as if not just tomorrow, but each moment beyond this present moment is a mystery
and it’s as though the future I plan Is just a projection of my mind and its hopes and dreams and beliefs
it’s as though my individual and current construction of reality does not mirror true reality
and by merely imprinting the way I wish it would be on top of what is actually happening is causing me to separate from what is…
instead of feeling what is present in the here and now…I then create a series of thoughts attached to feelings that I’d rather feel, but instead of feeling them in the moment I project them into a perceived future which never arrives
I’m beginning to think that this separate slice of perception I call my mind and the world I see is not actually what there is
it’s just a simulation I’m creating in my head…
it’s as though I’m resisting to simply feel the present …because I prefer to only feel when there is pleasure and things go my way
I avoid the neutral or the discomforting and pull myself from the present moment of what is and into an imagined reality in my mind in a familiar world of projected beliefs experienced as real, but unsatisfying to the deeper parts of my soul
in times when I’m not busied by stimuli or muses by my own mind and I simply soften to the quiet
it sometimes brings up pain, discomfort, and unprocessed emotion
it’s like there is a stored memory of thoughts and feelings within my body waiting to be heard
sometimes I stop and listen to them
I hold space for them
its uncomfortable
boring at times
sometimes I feel elated after
sometimes I feel neutral
the more I sit with myself I build a resilience from running away from the moment
I tend to the garden of what is
and some flowers grow into beautiful scarlet roses
I leave them there..I do not pick them..their beautiful as they are
some flowers whither and fall back into the earth
what I’ve noticed is that …season after season I continue to come back to the garden
not because the garden gives me beautiful flowers
sometimes it does not
I come back to the garden because of the beauty that life and death bring opens a peice of my soul
it’s as though my heart is whole when I’m willing to feel and be surrounded by life and death
pain and pleasure
security and uncertainty
it’s as though when I simply sit with the world, accepting it with an open and loving heart, all is well
I’m beginning to think there’s more to life then just my individual needs and desires….maybe there’s something greater going on in the world rather than my own personal story ..
maybe I could see that I have everything I need in this moment
always have
always will
maybe I could see beyond my fears
my fear of not having enough
my fear of death
maybe I could open myself to the reality that there is something mysterious about existence
maybe it will be bring pain or pleasure
gain or loss
pride or shame
maybe I could meet it with an open heart
maybe I could start by loving myself wholly in this moment
and see if that one small choice could change the world
**this is a written piece like a poem
.. it’s not actually a personal piece about my life
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