Planting seeds

I’m almost at my fucking limit !

every time I make a goddam plan and
I set out a course for the future of the way I want it to be

life gets in the way!!

can you believe it!?

covid is a classic example

I had it all worked out this time !!

every detail was perfectly placed
I had my vision planned to meet my every desire

classic life, always ruining my vision

It’s gotten to the point where
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m even in control!?

it’s as though the universe does not revolve around me

it’s as though all of creation, from the winged one’s to the flying one’s to the billions of people do not arise each day and do their best to make sure all my personal unmet needs and desires are fulfilled in that day

some days I feel like the future is forever uncertain

as if not just tomorrow, but each moment beyond this present moment is a mystery

and it’s as though the future I plan Is just a projection of my mind and its hopes and dreams and beliefs

it’s as though my individual and current construction of reality does not mirror true reality

and by merely imprinting the way I wish it would be on top of what is actually happening is causing me to separate from what is…

instead of feeling what is present in the here and now…I then create a series of thoughts attached to feelings that I’d rather feel, but instead of feeling them in the moment I project them into a perceived future which never arrives

I’m beginning to think that this separate slice of perception I call my mind and the world I see is not actually what there is

it’s just a simulation I’m creating in my head…
it’s as though I’m resisting to simply feel the present …because I prefer to only feel when there is pleasure and things go my way

I avoid the neutral or the discomforting and pull myself from the present moment of what is and into an imagined reality in my mind in a familiar world of projected beliefs experienced as real, but unsatisfying to the deeper parts of my soul

in times when I’m not busied by stimuli or muses by my own mind and I simply soften to the quiet
it sometimes brings up pain, discomfort, and unprocessed emotion

it’s like there is a stored memory of thoughts and feelings within my body waiting to be heard

sometimes I stop and listen to them
I hold space for them

its uncomfortable

boring at times

sometimes I feel elated after
sometimes I feel neutral

the more I sit with myself I build a resilience from running away from the moment

I tend to the garden of what is
and some flowers grow into beautiful scarlet roses
I leave them there..I do not pick them..their beautiful as they are

some flowers whither and fall back into the earth

what I’ve noticed is that …season after season I continue to come back to the garden
not because the garden gives me beautiful flowers
sometimes it does not

I come back to the garden because of the beauty that life and death bring opens a peice of my soul

it’s as though my heart is whole when I’m willing to feel and be surrounded by life and death

pain and pleasure

security and uncertainty

it’s as though when I simply sit with the world, accepting it with an open and loving heart, all is well

I’m beginning to think there’s more to life then just my individual needs and desires….maybe there’s something greater going on in the world rather than my own personal story ..

maybe I could see that I have everything I need in this moment

always have
always will

maybe I could see beyond my fears
my fear of not having enough

my fear of death

maybe I could open myself to the reality that there is something mysterious about existence

maybe it will be bring pain or pleasure
gain or loss
pride or shame

maybe I could meet it with an open heart
maybe I could start by loving myself wholly in this moment

and see if that one small choice could change the world

**this is a written piece like a poem
.. it’s not actually a personal piece about my life

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