Do you have a hidden fear of being gay? – Sharing personal experiences and exploring the evolution of the masculine and our collective evolution in this time of trial.

Several years back I attended a nude kundalini Yoga retreat.
During this time of my life:

  • I was ~ 2 years celibate
  • I was spending several hours a day in spiritual practice (yoga, mindfulness, meditation, contemplation, etc)

As I share this, I realize I am not the most relatable person.
But, I actually had a fairly normal up-bringing.
I grew up playing sports, going camping, and watching hockey.
I grew up heterosexual, and to be honest, I don’t remember knowing any bisexual or gay individuals till I was in my 20’s.

Enough back story.

So then, at the time of the kundalini retreat, I’ve lived and identify as a heterosexual male, with a fairly average up-bringing, whose life took wild turns. And I’m walking down a road where all I want is truth, and thus I seek the great mystery. And when you seek truth as it is, and not as you wish it would be, you have to be willing to receive information and experiences that are out of your comfort zone.

That’s exactly the zone I’m operating in.
I’m naked with a group of people – which is not too far from my comfort zone.
But, I’m naked with a group of men and women – mostly men-,
And all of them are gay or bi, expect one older couple.

Okay – a bit more back story:
I chose celibacy after my 4-year relationship ended and I committed my life to seeking the great mystery, to spirituality, and to working in dimensions beyond the ordinary. At the time, I was uncertain of whether I was going to be celibate forever and become a monk – not kidding. During these initial years of celibacy I was not practicing tantra as I am now, so I was not only not having sex, I was not even masturbating.

I just used my penis for peeing, and other than that, it just hung around.

At the retreat:

What began to arise is the thought that maybe I’m going to leave this retreat and end up finding out I’m gay. This was a scary thought. Why? Because I had layers of fear that I may not love myself If I was gay. What would the world think?
This fear culminated when we were doing a nude laughter yoga session and we were encouraged to lay down with our heads on the other participants stomachs. With hesitation I followed the game, and there I lay…I’m supposed to be laughing, but there’s a penis beside my face wiggling and jiggling, and I’m secretly afraid I might be gay.

A hormonal flush cascades my system with more stress hormones that when an individual goes bungee jumping.

I exit. Game over.

After integrating the experience and being able to authentically share my thoughts and feelings with the facilitator and the group, I begin to find clarity.

The process I was taking part in was to learn to unconditionally love myself, no matter who I was. I am a spirit in a body, I am here to learn.

I love myself if I am poor. I love myself if I lose a limb. I love myself if I am ugly. I love myself if I am gay.

After the retreat ended, it turns out, I did not turn gay. In fact, by being willing to explore the question so deeply, I polarized towards my heterosexuality with a new energy and activation.
As I mentioned, this was a process, and there were many points. Again and again, I had to explore the question, am I gay?
I’ll mention one of the other experiences.

I’m a yogi who seeks self-realization. I know my body inside and out, and more deeply than most humans on this planet because I dedicate my life-energy to knowing myself.

Thus, I have deeply explored all my human holes.

The exploration of the anus holds much wisdom – especially for men in relation to their sexuality.
For our body’s hold memory, emotion, and intelligence in every cell. And many men subconsciously avoid their anus, and exploration of their anus for a secret fear that they may be gay, and/or because there is much pent of emotion locks in the fascia and tissues. As I began to explore the back door, the fear once again came up, what if I’m gay?

At this point I’d processed and integrated much of this fear, and came to the conclusion that on a soul level we are all genderless, so in some sense, we are all bisexual. The question is, in this particular incarnation, and at this particular time in my life, what is my sexual preference? Once more I wrapped myself in a field of unconditional love and acceptance and explored deeply. Turns out, I’m still not interested in men. Further, I found out I’d been missing out on prostate gland orgasms, which are different to the orgasms most men are familiar with, and there are many other glands and pleasure centers in the anus and surrounding region that effect the mental-emotional state. Once again, instead of finding out I was gay, I instead re-confirmed and polarized my sexuality and self-mastery.

The results: As a tantric yogi, I am a master of self-pleasure, and my personal explorations in my own body has made me a masterful lover for the women in my life. Yes, women, because at this time I have been exploring the pair bonding scenario where I am poly-amorous. It feels quite right with my life that a situation may occur wherein I have a stable partner, perhaps a wife, and we have children, and then I have other women in my life to explore different levels of emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical intimacy. I’m not sure how that dance with flow, and to be honest, I’m still too focused on my spiritual work and practice that I’m a highly sexual being, though I’m not very sexually active. My primary work is breathwork and healing the collective during this transition we are facing.

Further, my exploration into my own sexuality has made me acutely aware that I’m not alone. there are thousands of men in a similar situation as myself, and many others who are struggling with their sexuality and masculinity.

Here is what I have identified.

When a man has not fully explored his sexual preference, he may have a secret fear that he might be gay, which will have the effect of not being able to relate to other males in an intimate way. For when a male to male interaction may get emotional, or perhaps (god forbid) two men share a long hug, if a man is not confirmed in his sexuality, this may trigger feelings that he may avoid, causing him to push them down and avoid getting close to other men – and himself.

In an interesting way, this also has a lot to do with masculinity. The masculine energy develops through our evolution, and the evolution of the masculine is historical. There was a time when masculine energy in men was dominant in our history, a time when men were men, and women were women, taking stereotypical roles. Then a collective shift occurred where gender roles started to merge, women started taking on roles men typically assumed, and men too were exploring more feminine roles. On an individual level every man and women must go through this phase of exploring their opposite polarity. It can be a confusing time, for myself I had a soul urge to assume a role that was so out of place with my up-bringing as a masculine womanizer, jock, body-builder. I became a dental hygienist. I went to school with ~35 women and worked a feminine role, and it destroyed me, it humbled me, it taught me to care, it taught me to be around others who are holding a heavy mental-emotional field and to unconditionally hold the space for them. During this time, I explored poetry, and gentle styles of moving, such as yoga and qigong.

The next phase of evolution is when the masculine energies balance, and an individual determines their dominant energy and works with it, while also being able to fluidly shift between his or her masculine or feminine energy. As I transitioned on from dental hygiene, I re-integrated my masculine with my feminine, and now I am strong and soft, I worked out in the gym and practice martial arts, and I practice gentle healing arts. I can relate with a group of women, as much as I can relate to a group of men.

The collective situation:

A dominant energy that is moving through the collective is the rise of the feminine. Which has been a suppressed energy from the unhealthy aspects of the masculine, especially the archetype of the shadow warrior. As a collective, we are learning to up-lift the feminine, to hold space for their wisdom, for earth wisdom, for mother and grandmother wisdom, and to receive their love, their grace, and their enlightenment. But the situation is also such, that in order for the masculine to hold the space for the women to take the center stage and guide us during these fateful times, they need to be in their power. We have an epidemic of men who are not in their power. Men who are not are living their dream life, whose diet and the chemicals they consume or are exposed to is deleterious to their testosterone. Further, many men are still in that in-between phase of exploring their feminine, and have yet to move forward in their evolution and take charge of their life. What is important is that men step back into their sacred role as warrior, king, magician, and lover, and all other archetypes they are working with in this life. Our role as sacred protector is to stand up to the tyranny of state and corrupt governments and institutions that are strangling the people, poisoning the people, and harming our mother earth. We are to create the space to up-lift the wisdom keepers of the earth, the medicine people, and the feminine. The role of the feminine is also to do their inner work to move through their evolution and integration of the male and female aspects and to hold the loving space for the men to be in their power, and to learn to trust the masculine again. (there is much more, but I’m trying to be brief.)
We are going to learn to dance.

The sacred partnership of a male to female relationship for me has been the microcosm of the macrocosm. In my time with my female partners, I have learnt to dance and shift between playing in my masculine, then allowing the women to be in her masculine while I reside in my feminine. It is a dance, and when we learn to do it in a sacred and safe container with our intimate partners, we have a small stage to practice the divine drama.

A few more offers:

I am a breathworker, movement instructor, meditation teacher, guide, and coach. The activations and evolutionary process I have spoken about is deeply related to your breath, mind, and spirit. The breathwork I teach and the medicine work I guide is a light on the path. Further, I am a ceremony holder, I teach men and women to relate, 1-on-1, and in groups, and as the world opens up, on a larger stage and at festivals. The question I have for you is, what arose in your as you read this? Have you identified any insights or had any intuitions?

I thank you for spending the time to read this and to reflect on our collective situation. I thank you for offering your medicine.
If you feel the call to work with me or attend one of my events, leave a DM and I’ll keep you in the loop.

Photo by @heydowie (Instagram) – further, the inspiration to write this came about from a conversation Kyle and I had at an event I co-facilitated. I guided a practice I call ‘Speed Relating’. It’s similar in form to speed dating, wherein there is a group of people who shift between all the individuals in the space with a limited amount of time to connect. Though, instead of seeking to find a date, the objective of the exercise is how deeply and authentically can you relate? It asks you be spontaneous and open, to be willing to be seen and heard. As a ceremony leader I assure all participants are holding the space with love and respect, which allows for the safety for masculine and feminine energies to interact, with support, reciprocity, and clarity. This exercise and many others are simple, but they have profound effects to open up individuals and enhance our capacity to love and connect.
Thanking all those participants for their raw courage, you all inspire me.

With love,
Aya -ZK

For information on 1-on-1 sessions and coaching, and all my links to YouTube, podcasts, website, etc.

breathwork #pranayama #holistic #yoga #meditation #spirituality #embodied #breath #tantra #consciousness #evolution #health #mastery #growth #tantra #qigong #squamish

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