A peculiar way to live – a life of surrender.

Are you into experiments?
I have been living an experiment for years.
I simply act.

The actions are conscious, and there is a level of decision making, but it comes from the intuition and not the mind. Many individual think, then act. I am living in a way that I act, then contemplate my actions (usually in the morning and evening in my meditations). This is different from unconscious action as it is intentional, but the decision is made in the body, not in the mind. It is also not unconscious because every morning and night I am considering my actions and their effects, but during the day hours, and during the act, I allow myself to truly be free and spontaneous.

I had assessed that my thinking process was often a control pattern, and I was always trying to make good decisions, or think about what the best option for any decision was, but there were always too many variables! And I was often tempted by my desire to do things that society said was wrong, so there was an inner conflict of not knowing what was right and denying my basic urges for pleasure, or experimentation. So I decided to just live in my body, and act without hesitation, to make decisions based on gut-instincts, and fearlessly make mistakes, and follow my desires, and sort it out later in my meditations.

Once more, there is a differentiation here between simply following desires and getting lost in momentary pleasures because my aim is in allowing myself to be free is to learn, to know, to grow, and to find my truth. By actually allowing myself to make all the dumb mistakes of chasing pleasure and doing any other ‘deviant’ behaviours, I could actually learn their effects on a cellular level. To simply avoid something you desire because you have been taught it is wrong is a lesser way to know, then to actually make the mistake and feel its consequences.

It has been rough, because when one allows themselves to act on their urges and impulses, they will truly see who they are. Much of human behavior is a control pattern to fit in, it is learned rules, and many actions and habits are ingrained because one thinks they need to do them, or they have been conditioned to live and act in that way. This includes what substances one takes, do they have one or multiple partners, exploring taboos, how one should make money, what one should do with their time, how one should dress, etc.

In the beginning of this process I had so much suppressed animal instinct to release, I had years of repression of things I wanted to say but did not, and I just let it out. Often times it had negative consequences, and through this constant devotion to doing what is truly coming up for me, I found an effective way for growth.

My control patterns had kept me in safety, but they did not keep me growing.

I assess that many individuals make decisions based on reason and look to the future in straight lines. In this way, individuals can plan for the future, they can assure they have security (at least a sense of it, true security is impossible), a home to live in, and what they need to grow a business or raise a family.

Truthfully, I do this too, but to a much lesser degree than most. My experiment is to learn to trust my intuition. I have followed my way, I have not done what is reasonable, I have not acted in straight lines, and I wake up each day and never know where I’m going. Now, there are individuals who live in this way, and nothing really happens in their life. My whole dance is to live in the balance of chaos and order, and dive as deeply into the unknown as possible, for that is where life truly happens, that is where growth happens.

Many can relate with this….have you ever been on a vacation or spent a weekend traveling to a new city with no plans? You just show up, with nothing but what’s in your bag, and an openness to experience. This experience can either lead you to a catastrophe or to an unexpected joy, and in retrospect, you will generally laugh and learn from both of them. In retrospect, you are much more likely to see those times as they are, and not judge yourself of whether you did things right or wrong. Many individuals live in a constant judgement of ‘am I doing things right or wrong?’. To live in the present, and to live with no true plans takes this constant pressure to live the right way away, you may then just show up and be.

This is my entire life now. Showing up and making decisions in the moment, never knowing where I‘ll end up. Never knowing what I’ll say or do next, and yet trusting there is a path and a way that is there for me to find. Many individuals think about what they say before they say it, or they think about what the other person will think before they say something. That is sooooo much extra work. The peculiar thing is, most individuals, even if they tried cannot simply speak authentically and freely because these patternings of control have become so ingrained that they no longer can simply speak without hesitation. This level of control and hesitation lives in the body, and it prevents the free flow of energy, which prevents the natural expression of your authenticity. This hesitation is found in the body, this judgement prevents people from dancing freely, this judgement lives in the sex centers, preventing people from having the sexual life they actually desire, it lives in the gut, preventing people from following their animal instincts, or in the heart, preventing people from doing what they love….instead they do things for money, or what society deems normal, or their family has passed on for them.

Can you see how an individual may become lost and unintegrated in their wholeness and their capacity to live their potential if they are distanced from their desires and instincts?

These control patterns are cages we lock ourselves into. And there is another way, a way to live fully present, in the moment, without hesitation.

This way that I speak of, it is the way of the artist, the mystic, and the vagabond. It is Zen. It is not the pathway of control, it is the pathway of surrender.

The first 2 years of never knowing if I’d have enough to afford rent and food was catastrophic for my psyche. Chronic stress in the body taught me to develop powerful practices to manage this constant onslaught of insecurity in my body. But, I’m not here to simply conquer this life, not this lifetime. I’m here to experience life fully, so I chose a path that does not allow me to know what will come next.

I have lived many lives, we all have, the evidence lives in every cell of your body. I have been a married man, I have been a success, I have been a failure. And in this lifetime, or at least at this point in my life, I am free.

Freedom is a peculiar jewel. For when you live without the same boundaries and bondage as others, it can put one at a distance. It can make one unrelatable at times. It’s not that it has to, two hearts can always meet in love if they are willing to rest in that abode. But, life has a certain flow, and when you don’t follow the rhythm of culture, there is a certain casting to the side that can happen.
And I have struggled, and been lonely, and lost. And I continue to come back to my loneliness and my being lost, and just like the insecurity of never knowing if one will have enough, one becomes use to sitting in the dark places of consciousness, so much so, that they can meet it with friendliness.

Am I reckless? There are shades of that there, yes. And yet, I have not ended up on the streets. I have found my dream career; I get to help others to open themselves into areas of their life they ever knew were possible. Life has guided me into moving to a home in the mountains, with a community of soul friends and family, and a
growing future.

It’s not all blue skies and yoga all the time for me, but once more, the dance I am dancing is not one of success or failure, it is one of following the intuitive guidance that is within me. I have thought ten-thousand things in the first decades of my life, now I am putting my mind at ease, doing what I please, and following the wisdom of the trees.

I say I thank you. I say I thank you, because you all hold the space for me to express and experience my freedom. I say I am sorry because I know have offended many in this life I have lived. I am learning, and I am learning quickly from the mistakes I have made.
My heart is in a good place, and if you know me, you will feel it.

My encouragement for you is to be mindful of your desires, your speech, the way you move, breath and act (okay, that’s a big a ask :P). But, if your willing, be mindful of whether you truly act in the moment, if you truly acting freely without hesitation, or if you are thinking before acting, or trying to be a certain way to appear in a certain light, or if you are speaking your mind, or if you can freely move your body without judgement. I am not suggesting you throw away your mind, or that you never try and cast yourself in a certain light, but there is always an opening for more freedom, for less hesitation, and to surrender judgement. The way of surrender does not always entail success -when success is measured by external standards- but it will reveal truth. It may not always be met with ease, but your consciousness will become more easeful and fearless through the process. This is the path of liberation, to allow yourself to be as you are, not as you think you should be, or how society deems you to act. It is a path, and the beginning is typically tumultuous, and the challenges come now and again, but it is such a beautiful journey, and one never knows where they will end up, or who they will become.

You may have to surrender your name, your job, how you speak and act, and you may surrender your financial security, and everything you have that you thought was you, and that you thought you needed. You may surrender it all and realize It was all an act, and you were a dream. You may surrender it all, and find that it was all a game, and you are much lighter without it weighing you down.
You never know, nor will it matter when you surrender the mind of judgement. Then all that is left is to be, and to be free.

Ps: living freely and fearlessly in the present has everything to do with the constant and uninterrupted flow of breath. Those who live with hesitation show pauses and hesitations in their breathing, and by changing the breathing and moving patterns, we can shift all areas of our lives. I could have focused more on this, but I always write about the breath, and this article was getting too long.

Message me if you have any questions on your breathing, and take this quote with you.

“Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane by Those Who Can’t Hear the Music”
Friedrich Nietzsche

  • Aya

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