In the picture you’ll find a list I wrote in 2019.
It was one of several lists I made of the qualities I was searching for in a relationship.
Today I blessed it with a tear drop – a symbolic offering of the emotional energy I am cultivating in myself.
It’s been ~4 years since my last deep relationship.
Several years to alter my life trajectory, to heal my sexuality, to be living my purpose, to learn to walk in harmony with the earth, and to develop the self-compassion and resilience to be the man I want to be.
I’m currently on my 8th week in an evolutionary cycle, which has included ceremonies every weekend (breath, plant medicines, yoga, fasting, no sleeping, etc).
In under a week and half I take a few weeks off to sit with Ayahuasca and journey into the forest to do a vision quest with no food or water.
These ceremonies will continue, as this is my way…
I’m calling in my life’s purpose in a radical way. I know I’ll need to move my physical location, and to upgrade my capacities, to reach more people, and to have the deep listening to follow my heart to find a partner.
The process I have been moving through has brought up many wounds I hold that I have been ready to see, feel, and heal.
I am processing what a balanced life of dedicated spiritual practice, worldly service, and love may look like.
Healing self-abuse, and cultivating a deep self-compassion.
Learning to walk in harmony with the earth.
Healing multi-generational wounds.
Learning to use my voice, my dance, and my gifts.
Listening to my body, to learn the unique external
conditions that I need to thrive.
It’s been a rollercoaster of bliss and pain.
I’ve been curled in a ball crying more in the past few weeks, then perhaps my whole life up until now.
For the first time in years, I’ve even doubted my faith.
The healing process often involves a breakdown and a breaking open, in order to have a break-through.
Narrowing in on my future relationship.
I’ve felt her.
On dozens of occasions, I’ve been raptured by emotional waves of future events. Though these events have not taken place, they have been stronger than anything I’ve experienced in this lifetime.
For example, I’ve felt into the future, of what it will be like to hold my beloved hand as she gives birth, and it has crippled me to my knees.
These emotional waves hit unexpectedly, one time I was driving the sea to sky highway and had to pull over because I almost lost control of my body and crashed.
For the past few years these experiences have shook me to my core. It is why I practice for hours a day, and push my body to it’s limits. I’ve felt the future, and I’m preparing.
To feel the future can cause powerful activations… when I measure the man I will be, and will need to be to hold down the life I will be living, to the man I am now.
In some sense I have taken these 4 years to build a foundation of my life and my work, so that when I am ready for a relationship, we have a place for which to grow.
On another level, I have also been resistant to relationship. My previous relationship patterned my nervous system with many stories. We struggled to do our inner work, to develop our purpose, and manage our relationship.
Part of the reason I have avoided a relationship for 4 years is because at the time I was not able to organize my life in such a way as to develop my full potential. I was in a job I hated, and not making any financial progress to work myself out of that situation. I needed space to sort myself out, and organize my roots.
Now that the ground is fertile, it has become clear that part of my purpose is to find my soul mate, and raise the next generation of earth inheritors.
And by good grace, I know that it is already done, and that I have only to live in good alignment, with faith and virtue.
So then, where I’m at now is feeling dark. Doubt, stress, and breaking down are a regular part of my day. I’m surrendered to the process and will bow to what is, to clear what is needed.
By good grace I have been carried by the wings of eagles, by my community, and by the earth.
Thanking my family, friends, teachers, guides, and ancestors.
Bowing to the process.
Thank you to those who read these words, sending you love and the courage to move towards your destiny with certainty.