How early unprocessed emotion and trauma can affect brain development – and how to heal

 

The brain is the most complex and beautiful part of the world, but then again…my brain made me say that.

The brain is part of the human nervous system which helps to regulate our body, mind, and emotion. We are only just beginning to understand how the 3-4 pounds of flesh in your noggin helps to create your experience of life. Who would have thought that there are specific areas of the brain that allow you to see such phenomena like motion or faces? And if you were to damage these areas, such as when someone has a stroke, they may develop an inability to see motion or faces, while all other perceptual systems are working as per usual. Science is still trying to grapple with such conditions such as Cotard’s syndrome, this disorder makes people think that they’re dead. Or Capgras delusion: which is when people with this condition think a loved one has been replaced by an imposter. The literature and case studies on these patients are fascinating, and there not all necessarily negative, for example, since 1941 to 2009 there has been 62 reported cases of foreign accent syndrome, in which someone -usually after an accident, or stoke- develop a propensity to speak in a foreign accent. In most cases the person has never travelled to that country of the accent they are now speaking in.

Also at the frontier of neuroscience is mapping what healthy brain development looks like over a lifetime.
A babies brain is about 1/3rd the size of an adults and from birth to age 3 the brain will nearly double in size, and continue to grow and develop well into the 20’s.
Our most basic vital functions and control centers for movement develop early, then our emotional centers come later in our teenage years, and finally our capacity for reason and plan, and other ‘higher faculties’ of being human continue to develop till age 25. The brain may stop growing, but it never loses its capacity to change, a phenomenon termed neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is a revolutionary finding that changed how we see the brain and its ability to adapt for better or worse.

The things you do each day, the environment you are in, and the people you surround yourself with is changing your brain, your body, mind, and emotions.

One of the most researched areas in the brain is called the middle prefrontal cortex (MPFC), it is evolutionarily the newest area of the brain to emerge and its responsible for faculties that make us most human. The work of Daniel J. Siegel, MD has mapped 9 functions to the MPC and they are as follows:

1. Body Regulation: Body Regulation is achieved by the Autonomic (automatic) Nervous System. The system generally works without conscious control and regulates functions like heart rate, breathing, digestion, vascular tone, inflammation and immune response, etc. It gives us the ability to come back to base line, homeostasis, peace and ease after stressors.
2. Attuned Communication: is the ability to feel another ones feelings.
3. Emotional Balance/Affect Regulation
4. Response Flexibility
5. Empathy (Mind Sight)
6. Insight or Self-Knowing Awareness
7. Fear Modulation/Fear Extinction
8. Intuition
9. Morality

Middle+Prefrontal+Cortex

These 9 functions are vital to our humanness and quality of life.

An approach to healing the brain

The brain is neuroplastic, and thus we know it has the capacity to heal itself.

There is research coming out that trauma and an early unsupportive environmental conditions can delay the development of the MPFC. And an unsupportive environment may not necessarily be abusive or full of neglect. The work of Gabor Mate and others shows that children can pick up on a parent’s stress and thus there is a lot of patterning that can show up in children as they experience the stresses of an adult without the ability to properly deal with the emotions. Especially in the early years when a child is preverbal they are not aware of what is happening, and even as they develop they may not remember, and they will not be able to verbalize their experience. When there is preverbal unprocessed emotion and trauma there needs to a method that is also preverbal to access these layers of emotion. That’s why I work with the breath, because of its capacity to allow for the healing of unprocessed of emotion in the body that is preverbal.

An approach to healing the brain

Daniel K. Siegel works with mindfulness and meditation for its ability to help strengthen and develop these 9 functions, which I agree is an essential part of the process in restoring proper development of the brain and to continue to strength it. From my perspective, the other big piece is releasing unprocessed emotion and trauma. Why? Because brain development, and development of all kinds works like this, we grow as we meet what is coming at us in our environment, if there is a situation such as a trauma, and we are not able to process that event and its associated emotion it will remain in the body. There is in a sense a part of us that is stuck there, and until the experience and the emotion is fully felt and healed the body will hold that lesson until it is learnt and then an individual can continue to grow and develop. This is what is happening when the MPFC is not is not able to properly develop due to trauma or stressful early environments.
Thus, there are two big pieces for an individual to grow and strengthen their MPFC, one is to get complete on the unprocessed emotion and trauma that lives in the body waiting to send its message before we move on, and second, is to apply Daniel K. Siegels Mindfulness and other protocols to continue to strengthening and grow the brain.

Let me know if you have any further questions on any points in the article or for more information on breathwork.

Waking up to your ghost

 

The day you died, I died
I could not cry – numb, like a burn so deep that it severs the nerves
opens wounds and acid
A hurt so deep that I can’t sleep
Insomnia and anorexia
I see you there, laying next to me, but your gone
Catatonia and anaphylaxis
where are you now?
I call out from my empty bones into the empty room, your not here to hear my cries, your a book lies about love

There is no greater gift than waking up next to your love
There is no greater ill than waking up and finding them dead

It was a day, like any other
I flutter my eyes open to find myself covered in layers, laying with my lover
The bed is colder than usual, and my heart begins to beat slow and loud
I go to touch you
no response.
I can hear myself repeating your name, my voice is frail ice
You have no expression on your face, you’ve replaced your eye’s with glass
I struggle and claw to keep your lids open, where are you?
Frantic and shaking my spirit draws away from my skin
Your gone and i’m becoming thin
My tears are your blood

You’re not dead
You’re not dead
Wake up
Wake up

My body moves but I’m feeling nothing
I’m a ragdoll, i’m not even human
I could kill and feel nothing, I could be killed and a black smile would graze this porcelin face
The paramedics comes and take your body away
The grim reaper already stole your soul
I’m in the corner crying, what kind of good-bye is this?
You didn’t even kiss me good night, now you leave me without light
Sweet nightmares
How could you leave me like this?
You can’t take my fucking heart and soar to the heavens and kick to me to the dirt in this hell
You can’t do this to our children
They need their father
I can’t do this without you

You can tell me I’ll heal, and I’ll feel again, but for now fuck you, you don’t know what its like to die before you die
You don’t know what it’s to swim in an ocean of poison emotion, the black water stench seeps into every pour, and horror happens with every breath I take, it’s an earthquake and I’m trapped in the house we built together, now it’s all falling down on me

Food has no flavour without love
life has no meaning without you

You are my one and only
Remember when you told me our love was written in the stars?
It was the day we met, the same day you interrupted our conversation in the middle of my sentence to kiss me
Why did you do this to me?
You gave me everything, safety, security, and romance
You put me in trance, and now you leave me to dance with death
How macabre

Remember our trip to Peruvian rainforest, when I twisted my ankle and you carried me back to our tent
You said you’d carry me till you can’t stand no more
I’m here on my knee’s, please
I can’t carry on without you

I see people on the street, simply being sweet, and i’m sick in the head, wishing they were dead
Forgive me, I’m not myself
I’m traumatized, I realize
I can see why serial killers take the lives of others, what hurt must live in their hearts
And in that moment before I’ve been able to cry for myself, I cry for them

A single tear of love for another human
With a single drop of water I’m returned to the great ocean
Flooded with emotion, a motion of energy surrounds me as if angels on high have descended
I can see you there
You’re not gone
You reach your arms around me and hold me one last time
Your no ghost, your made of golden light
You say nothing as you slowly fade away, you simply point to my heart
No words need to be said, you never left me, you never will
In my heart you’ll always reside

You will always be my love
My greatest teacher, teaching me to love even the one’s society thinks are sick
It was your time, but not mine
I’m going to heal, I’m going to feel into every dark hole in my heart and seal it with love

No tear ever falls in vain
It’s on its way back to the ocean
The depths of my suffering is the measure of my love
When you died, I thought I died, now I know that before you died, I was barely alive
I’ll love you always

Introduction to the Mind part 2

 
In this article:
– Chinese Medicine’s guide to the 3 independent processes of the Mind
– Introduction to the prenatal and postnatal mind
– The goals of mind training
– A 1st hand description of a conscious connected breathwork session relating to the goals of mind training
– Conclusions: brining everything together
 
“The mind is…the energetic substance of directed intention, through which all dimensions of existence are constructed”
-Jerry Alan Johnson PH.d
 
Introduction:  The Chinese medicine guide to the 3 independent processes of the Mind
 
In traditional Chinese energetic medicine, the mind is not confined to the brain, but is alive in every cell.  They divide the processes of the mind into three independent systems, the physical mind, the energetic mind, and the spiritual mind. 
 
The Physical Mind – the conscious mind
 
The physical mind is the conscious mind, it is responsible for willpower and consciously investigating, interpreting, and evaluating data received through the body’s five senses, and it stores the short-term memory.  In general, the physical mind is identified with the physical body, therefore the conscious mind’s thoughts pertain to the need for control, security, and approval within the external world.  The physical mind learns through observing, examining, and modeling, it also involves studying and learning through symbols, metaphors, analogies, and various forms of language.
 
The Energetic Mind – The unconscious and subconscious
 
The energetic mind is split into two parts, the unconscious and subconscious mind.  The unconscious mind is responsible for governing the bodies autonomic nervous system functions, such as controlling the managing nourishment and growth, breathing, digestion, heartbeat, and the immune system.  Whereas the subconscious mind is responsible for maintaining repressed feelings, automatic skills, subliminal perceptions, thoughts, habits, automatic reactions, hidden phobias, desires, dreams, implicit knowledge, and long-term memory.
It is estimated that 90% of our mental life is subconscious, It never sleeps, it is constantly working to repair, replace, transform, digest, assimilate and eliminate.  The patterns of the subconscious mind are the underlying energy that attracts the attention of the conscious mind.  Think about it this way, there are potentially an infinite number of things to think about at any given moment, or aspects to focus in on any given environment, yet your attention, awareness, and your thoughts have a pattern, this pattern of noticing and thinking is selected from subconscious systems of the mind.  As we will discuss further on, the subconscious mind and its programs/conditioning are acquired from our experiences with people and the world since birth.  
 
The Spiritual Mind – the superconscious
 
The spiritual mind is known as the superconscious or the universal mind, and it operates at the level of intuition.
 
Introduction to: The prenatal and postnatal Mind
 
 
Another important distinction that Chinese medicine makes is that they differentiate the prenatal (before birth) and postnatal (after birth) Mind
 
The prenatal mind is also termed the original mind and the postnatal mind is the acquired mind.
 
The postnatal Mind is our acquired mind because it is developed after birth through our interactions with people and the environment after our conception.  Whereas the prenatal mind dominates the activities and functioning of the major viscera (organs) and the active functioning of the energetic organism, and through using the body, the prenatal mind conveys intuitive and instinctual information that has bee guiding our development since before birth.  Thus, we have both our intuitive/original mind, and our acquired mind.  When our acquired mind is too active it clouds our ability to hear the intuitive messages of our original mind.  Therefore, Chinese medicine has charted ways of training the physical, energetic, and spiritual Mind to allow the messages from our prenatal and postnatal mind  to function optimally
 
Training the Physical (conscious) Mind
 
In order to train the physical or conscious mind, an individual must use their will and intention to gather data from their senses and use cognitive reasoning.
 
Training the Energetic (unconscious and subconscious) Mind
 
The energetic mind contains the subconscious mind, which, in review is responsible for maintaining repressed feelings, automatic skills, subliminal perceptions, thoughts, habits, automatic reactions, hidden phobias, desires, dreams, implicit knowledge, and long-term memory. These stored patterns can be interfered with and overridden through willful intention of the physical or conscious mind. Thus, one may reprogram their internal patterns through continued repetition of new patterns.  For example, someone may have a pattern of avoiding painful emotions by smoking, so that whenever they begin to feel a painful emotion they have a subconscious pattern to habitually use cigarettes to mask their pain.  Through examining our own behaviour, we can gain insight into our patterns and then make the conscious choice to rewrite and rewire a new pattern into our subconscious.  When one trains the energetic mind, they are in essence becoming a witness of their actions as they happen, they are separating themselves from the sensation of feelings and taking on a kind of metacognition.  When we learn to observe our emotions, instead of getting carried away by them we can gain valuable information and control over emotions.  When we can learn to witness our thought patterns as they happen instead of being carried away in our thoughts we can learn more information about our patterns and change our thoughts. 
 
Training the Spiritual Mind
 
In order to train the spiritual mind, one must surrender all attachment to thoughts, feelings, and images of the acquired mind and access a point of stillness wherein the intuitive and original mind can be heard. 
 
In Chinese medicine, training the spiritual, original, and intuitive mind is the highest attainment that should guide one’s life and organize one’s Mind.  Another word for the original mind in Chinese medicine is the Heart mind, the heart being the intuitive compass that guides us to our purpose and highest truth. 
 
 
Coming full circle
 
In this article I described Chinese Medicine’s view of the 3 independent processes of the mind, showing how our conscious mind and its perceptions and interpretations is influenced by the subconscious mind.  Our subconscious mind is a part of our postnatal mind and has been acquired through our experiences with people and world since being born.  I described how we may influence and alter the conditioning of our subconscious mind through the conscious mind through analysis of our patterns.  I briefly described the Chinese Medicine ideal of having our prenatal intuitive mind lead us in our actions and be balanced with the acquired mind. 
 
Thus some goals of mind training can be created here:
1. To learn the pattern of the subconscious mind that influence our conscious mind and to create positive patterns
2. To balance our prenatal (intuitive) mind and our postnatal (acquired) mind
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Now that I have walked us through a description of the Mind, I will describe a breathwork experience and how it can achieve the goals of mind training. 
 
I walk into the space and am immediately greeted by a warm and earthy scent of incense.  It’s Sunday evening and I’m at a breathwork event.  The group meets in a circle and I find my mat in the corner of the room, near a softly lit candle. There are people gathering in, quietly greeting each other and talking, but for today I’m sitting on my own, setting intentions and contemplating why I’m here. 
As it becomes time to start, we guided to stand up and move around the room and become aware of what we can become aware of.  It is explained that we are mammals, first, humans second, and as mammals we have a carry a curiosity to explore, like dogs in the park.  As a dog enters a new environment they orientate to the space, by moving, sniffing, and exploring the environment and the other dogs, or in our case humans.  We walk around the room, we gently meet each other in the eyes, and short smiles arise and tid bits of laughter snort out at times.  After the analogy of dog’s in the park I naturally become playful and start to playfully sniff and bark, creating some ease  and laughter in the group.  We continue this exercise for a awhile until everyone becomes comfortable with each other, and then we find our seat. 
 
We pass a feather around the circle in a traditional way and share our intentions for the practice, perhaps what we wish to let go of, and what we wish to invite in.  In my practice I intent to look deeply into my mind, my patterns, to let go of any habits that disrupt my path and I invite in wisdom.  An intention is a powerful prayer to the self, it orientates the mind/body/emotions in one direction. 
As the breath practice begins, we lay on our back and are guided into a deep relaxation, grounding down into our back bodies, connected with our breath, inhale meeting the exhale in a circular fashion, mouth open, jaw relaxed.  The inhale is effort and full, and exhale is letting go, a complete surrender, equal parts effort and release, prana and apana. 
 
As my breath becomes connected it begins to flow and my body begins to tingle.  Inhale meeting the exhale and letting go.  I begin to notice a slight resistance on the exhale, a failure to fully let go, which speaks to a quality of not letting go in my life. There is a holding in body, my breath, and my mind that I am clinging to.  I continue to explore the sensation of holding with curiosity, noticing the resistance.  As my breath continues, I begin to become quite altered, a bit high to be honest, yet deeply relaxed.  The deeper I drift into the rhythm of my breath my brain begins to oscillate slower changing my level of awareness.
 
In terms of the brain, we operate at specific frequencies, when you are reading this you are in a higher frequency range of Beta Waves at 13-30 Hz (cycles per second).  This frequency is task orientated, and in general as the cycles decrease the more relaxed we become.  The next frequency down is alpha waves at 8-13 Hz, alpha is considered the gateway between the conscious and unconscious mind and is associated some meditation states or the stage just before you drift off to sleep.  Next is Theta (4-8Hz) which is associated with deep meditation states, Rapid eye movement sleep (dream sleep), and most relevant for this article, it is associated with access into the subconscious mind.  Lastly there are Delta states (less than and up 4Hz) which is found in ‘slow wave sleep’ and are associated with the superconscious or spiritual mind, as described in this article. 
 
As I move deeper into my brain wave states my breath deepens and subconscious information begins to flow into my awareness.  The pattern of resistance in breath, the failure in letting go is a holding that I feel in my neck space, relating to unexpressed anger and not speaking my truth.  A memory arises from work, when I held my tongue, when I wanted to speak but did not, this energy has become trapped in this area preventing a proper and smooth breath cycle.  I’m having trouble letting go, until a breathworker comes by and helps guide me through by placing their hand on the back of my neck, they support the area and ask me to tone with them.  Toning is a process of creating a long extended sound, which is a powerful tool for vibrating and relaxing the body and clearing holdings.  We make two long OM’s and on my next big exhale I relax deeply and the holding is released.  There is a slight emotional charge as it leaves, and a deep state of ease and flow arises in my body and breath. 
I once read in an ancient proverb that if we were to inspect our breath in its most subtle form, every holding, emotion, and unprocessed blockage from our birth is laid out like a fingerprint history of our entire lives.  This rings deeply true as a breathwork instructor and meditator, the breath tells us everything, it is our guide from the conscious to the unconscious, it regulates the nervous system, and guides the mind.
 
I also once read that our subconscious mind and unconscious mind can be thought of as our body, that is that all the functioning of the body (the unconscious mind) and the conditioning of the habitual reactions and reflexes (the subconscious) are in the body.  Thus when we practice conscious connected breathwork and focus in on our body we come in contact with our conscious, unconscious, and subconscious mind or in Chinese Medicine, our physical and energetic mind’s.  But what about our spiritual mind?  And our Prenatal and intuitive mind? 
 
Accessing the intuitive spiritual mind
 
This is where the real wonder of breathwork comes, at a certain point in a breathwork practice there is an opportunity to surrender fully and allow the breath to breath itself.  One remains conscious and connected with their breath, but yet allowing it to flow and thus allowing the spiritual and intuitive mind to guide the direction the journey. 
 
As I let go of control, I allow my breath to move me, literally it guides me to shake my wrists and released some energy, it dictates the pace and flow of the breath, leaning me into the areas of mind and body that needs expression.  As I continue to let go the breath begins to create some space within my lower diaphragm near my pelvis, allowing me to breath more deeply into this area.  An energy arises and as I continue to move my breath from my belly, to my heart, and release it I can feel a blockage moving.  As this energy begins to move a breathwork facilitator senses the activity and begins to guide me with word and touch.  The safe support allows me to continue to surrender to the sensations, stay to of story, and explore the energy, as uncomfortable as it is becoming. The energy begins to move and my body is charged with electricity, I’m fully altered as if I’d taken a drug and still I feel safe in this space, knowing its my breath and body.  The energy moves and I shake for a bit, a few tears flow and my body just drops.  My breath deepens and slows, and I enter a freeze state.  No breath, just pure blissful silence for minutes. I float in a sea of golden light before breathing again.  Coming back to my breath, now in a deep state of relaxation, breathing more fully into the space near my pelvis, feeling it open and at ease.  The breath sessions continues, and I move another large piece of energy, allowing for more room to breath fully and invite in the qualities I set my intention to bring in. As the sessions draws to the last 20 minutes, we are guided to allow the breath to move naturally and allow the nervous system to integrate the emotional and energetic release and, in a sense, reboot its systems into better alignment.  After the ceremony in complete we share our breath journey in as much or as little detail, and the experiences of the other breathers open my heart to the profound healing of this experience. 
 
Reflections:
This brief explanation on a breathwork sessions is highly variable and each person has their own experience.  This example was created to show that through conscious connected breathing we may access deeper brain states that allow for subconscious information to pass more readily into the conscious mind.  Our breath pattern is a powerful teaching tool, the relative ease and flow, the smoothness of the breath, and even our ability to let go are not merely physical cues of our breath mechanism, but hold insights into our mind and how we show up into the world.  As discussed in the example, a holding in the throat, that was causing an inability to let go of the breath was actually a response to me holding in my truth, not expressing my anger in a situation, and thus repressing an emotion, causing a blockage in my breath.  Although not discussed in this article, but many other articles I have written, the balance of our inhalation and exhalation balances our entire nervous system through our autonomic nervous system.  Thus we can see how a specific holding in the throat space could have a local effect on the energy moving through this area, possibly affected the thyroid gland which holds close proximity, it could relate to tensions in muscles of the neck and head, and through disrupting the natural balance in inhalation and exhalation there would be system wide effects via our vagus nerve, through our autonomic nervous system, affected all systems of the body.  Hierarchically, breath is nutrient number 1, above water and food for the necessary maintenance of health and life.
 
The second point I’d like to highlight is breathworks remarkable capability to access the intuitive mind.  This mind has thus far been described as superconscious, spiritual mind, intuitive mind, and prenatal mind, there are many terms, and here are a few more, the intelligence of the universe and the mind of the creator or God. To come in contact with this ‘Mind’ is through surrender and letting go, as described in this article, and it is an experience, each person perhaps feeling and sensing it on a different level and with different words.  The words we use are less importance as is the ability to enter in this state, and for myself, to be able to connect people with this state through breathwork.  It is the ability to surrender to the flow and intelligence of this mind that the deepest and most profound states and consciousness and healing arise in breathwork. 
 
As one begins to continue through breathwork journeys and return to the spiritual mind and allow their life to become guided by the intuition and the intelligence of the universe, they are on a beautiful journey.  It is my honour to share in these teachings of the mind, to share this practice of the breath, and guide people back to their heart, their intuition, and the original and prenatal mind – back to source.

I don’t want to die – poem

‘I don’t want to die like this’ she said as she bled her words unto my wounded ears
I’m drowning as I look at her laying in the hospital bed, almost dead
My eyes are spitting tears
Her fear is black
her face screams silent death
‘Let us run away’ she cries, holding her insides as they pulsed with pain
Crippling forward she crumbles under a cloak of suffering
I curse the high heavens for making her ill
Just two days ago every laugh was an echo of lust
Our love was clear and pure like the sweet September air
She let me in
We went into the depths and shared ourselves in the safety of angels

Her eyes as wide as oceans
“let us run away’ she said once more, her lips bright red with a glaze of dried coughed up blood
Let us run through the streets with a flag and pronounce that death can do us no harm
Be with me there
Bare feet on the cold brick-walk
Cold night wind won’t worry us
Our 10 fingers locked
Take me down to the river where were first fell in love
I want to be there with the trees who laid witness to our first kiss
Kiss me there, and I will die in peace

Let us dance in the twilight of open streets where the worried one’s will wonder what we have done, let them stare, and do not take your eyes from mine
Do not let me out of sight
Her tears came drooling down her eyes as she spoke her hearts song

Love is a dog from hell
All that is, is lost
Carried away before my eyes, she’s going to leave this life forever

She begins to fade
Her eyes are tunnels without light
I can feel her presence without pulse
All is silent
Her eyes begin to close and her breath stills
The subtle light of her life flickers

I’m holding her hand, but I can’t feel her
In a moments time, she passes away
I’m left alone with her still warm body

I wander to the window, and look to the stars
But their beauty has been robbed
I’m wondering where you are
Who has taken you from me

With no one to curse, I cry
There’s a void in my heart as vast as starlit sky
The space you once held is a barren sea
Where are you now?
Where have you gone?
Are you safe?

Silence
There is no answer
Silence
There is no knowing
Silence
Death is the great the mystery
From silence we come, and to silence we go

 

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I Choose to Die – poem

There’s trillions of planets in an endless sea of sky
I chose this one to be born upon

I chose to be born with my umbilical cord strangled merciless round my throat
begging for help
my infant cries muffled by my own self sabotage
Born blue and grey
Birthed into pain and trauma
blood and horror
ecstasy and bliss

I can still hear my silent cries for help
I can still feel the warm grip of death as I began to breath my first sips of sweet air
if I touch my throat now, it still longs for that first grip of strangulation that it carries as its first memory of life

Yet I chose to live this way
I chose to fall in love half a dozen times only to fall out of love with heart break
each loss is an arrow to the heart

I chose to hang for dead
To wind up in the hospital bed
my wrists blood red

I remember crying that forsaken night I spent lying in the woods alone, stripped naked and barely breathing
Each tear a memory to let go off and to offer to the earth
here mother, feel my pain

I remember the way she took my breath away
as she moaned for more
the sweat rolling down her face and meeting her lips so that I could taste her sweet release
I remember fucking her against the wall with my hand in her mouth,
biting flesh, screaming for more
I remember making love to her under the warm light of candles
moving slow to feel more deeply
With our eyes locked and body as one, we transcended

we chose to say good bye
we chose to let love die like the flowers and fruit, left to wither and rot where the maggots live
for not all that is, is meant to be
sometimes children are meant to die

I remember why I came here
I chose to suffer in this way
I chose to be born in this form
this fading grace of skin and bone
this temporary flesh
this dream of mine

I remember why I chose to die
I know why I said goodbye to life and love
and left it all behind
I know why birds sing in the morning and grow quite as night falls
I know why a sick dog will go into the woods to die alone
I know why some mothers will die to save their children and others drop their still young babies in a garbage filled garbage bin

I know life like a painter knows an empty portrait
I know life like a child knows wonder
I know life like a bird knows the empty sky
I know life beyond this body

There are some things you cannot know unless you give up everything
There are some answers you must die for
There are truths so pure and white that they are pure light
and in this world of shadow, hope and truth is a candle flickering warm and illuminating the darkness of the dream

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